The Problem With Transparency
Welcome back to another Fly post. Thank you all for coming. I really wanted to give you all a list of “Shit I Don’t Want to Hear From People w/ Kids” and I still might hit you all with a double dose. I want o first address the role of Transparency in my life and my relationship. Shouts out to Jazzmyn Blu of T is for Torah & Transparent Life blogs for always trying to put me on blast and inspiring this post
MY STANCE: I DO NOT believe in full transparency, PERIOD! Whew! I feel better now that I have that off my chest. Now to break this down for everyone who is looking at me with the side eye, I believe that full transparency in any relationship exposes way too much of self. I also believe that there are parts of yourself and personality that are just for you whether they be good, bad, ugly, or beautiful.
I just don’t believe that any relationship other than the one you have with yourself and God (or other governing deities) deserve all of you, nor do I believe that any other person on this planet has let go of enough of their own baggage to truly receive you in your raw state.
DON’T GET IT TWISTED: I’m not telling you to start running through these streets wildin’ and keeping secrets booboo. What I am offering is a way to preserve your identity while growing, maturing, and hopefully becoming a better you. Consider this Strategic Opacity. This is when you just don’t over do or take for granted those close to you for the sake of being transparent. Sometimes transparency creates more problems than necessary. We all have enough of those, so if you have the opportunity to take the path of least resistance why not?
SOME SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO BE STRATEGICALLY OPAQUE:
1. Shut the fuck up sometimes. Everyone doesn’t need or deserve your opinion.
2. It’s ok to drink water, grow your edges and mind your business.
3. You aren’t Superman or Wonder Woman, everyone is not your responsibility to raise, you can only do so much.
4. Save some of your energy to improve on yourself. You will have to say “No” to some people so that you have fuel left for your dreams.
5. Have some hopes, dreams, and goals that are authentically and uniquely your own. This is way harder than it sounds because it requires you to look deep into self and figure out what you want versus what all the outside influences imposed on you.
6. You are not obligated to share things you aren’t ready to share, PERIOD. If you say you don’t want to talk about it, don’t. You owe it to yourself to be sure of how you feel and what you think before giving it to another.
7. Join the Order of Assassins (figuratively not literally). What I mean by this is observe your situation first, gather intel, and if you still feel like you have a mark strategically approach and execute. Basically, the opposite of guns blazing.
8. Work at bringing down unnecessary walls. Yup this would seem the opposite of opacity but, I am telling you that some of your walls are preventing your growth and need to come down. This may be a brick by brick situation and not a stick of dynamite. That’s all fine but know that holding on to your trust issues, daddy issues, and last week’s Shonen Jump might be the reason you aren’t where you want to be.
9. Set HEALTHY boundaries. Aight, I know yall really confused now. How the hell am I going to tell you to tear down walls in 8 and set boundaries in 9? Like this: Walls go up for protection. Some things we need to think of like training wheels, walls are one of them. Your training wheels protect you from falling when you are learning to ride a two wheeler, at some point they have to come off so that you can learn to balance on two wheels. Walls shouldn’t be permanent protection, they should be a temporary shield while you gain skills to establish a healthy boundary. Boundaries are different in the sense that they should be created with a clear understanding of what it is you won’t tolerate. Example: My parents smoked my entire life resulting in everything around (including their kids) smelling like stale cigarettes 24/7. I do not like needing to mask the smell as a non-smoker. This should not cause me to place a wall up preventing smokers from entering my adult life. My boundaries are I will not date a smoker and those who do smoke must smoke outside of my home. This type of boundary still keeps my family intact and doesn’t have me prejudging new people based of a cigarette.
10. Know when to be transparent. YASS HUNTEE! There are times when transparency is necessary. There will be times where you just have to keep it one hunnid. Before you do it ask yourself, if you would be okay with the negative implications of this act? If you say “No” leave it alone you’re not ready. If you say “Yes” then keep the gloves close by in case you have to go a few rounds. The benefit of being transparent with other people is allowing them a piece of you. You are giving them access to your feelings, desires, thoughts, and perspectives. Once you have allowed access you can’t really take it back and you open yourself up to that other person’s criticism, ridicule, questions, and hopefully, acceptance.
It is my goal that as you all strive for this transparency you want so much that you understand what is sacrificed in being that way. For all of us it will be something different lost on the altar. I just hope that you are making the right sacrifices for the right people because once you give it up there aren’t any take backs.